Monday, 23 May 2011


Tomorrow I go to the hospital.  I am due to have facet joint and SI joint blocks and ligamentous/tendon blocks injected into my spine in order to ease my back pain.
When the Consultant at the Pain Clinic suggested this was a way forward it seemed like a jolly good idea at the time.    If it works I will be able to dance the Fandango, cut the grass, do cartwheels, jump on the trampoline with my daughter, hoover the living room and do the hokey-cokey barefoot whilst balancing a pint of beer on my head.  I will also be able to put a pair of socks on without cussing.  I will stand for the 2.5 minutes the electric toothbrush takes to clean my teeth.  I will run a country mile in less than 3 minutes.  I will cycle around the village shouting at the top of my voice "look at me everybody - Superwoman returns!"  I will burn that bloody walking stick (or jump on it at the very least).

Only now I am filling out the consent form for the procedure:
Hmm... Religion, ok, merely a formality;
Next-of-kin?.....right now you are starting to scare me a little;
Increased pain expected for 2 or 3 days (occasionally longer)....not so good;
Headaches and a temporary increase in weight....oh, just great;
Not a long-term relief/long-term effects not known....30% chance it may not procedure is risk free....what the blue blazes have I signed up to?

Now why does my stupid brain constantly latch onto these negative things?  Why can't I focus on the fact that I will be able to dance the Fandango rather than worry about being fat and paralysed from the waist down with a blinding headache.....and that's only if I don't die in the process.  Supposing it hurts?  Worse still, supposing it doesn't work at all?  Supposing nothing happens and everything remains the same.... well, then what?

Of course, there is always the illogical and bizarre thinking that my brain connects to the "supposing it does work" scenario.  This is where I am a little afraid that the procedure will actually be successful.  Where I wonder if maybe I am mentally comfortable with this pain - after all it's what I've become used to after 12 months and it has, in some perverse way, become my "comfort zone".  If these injections work I will have to change how I have been behaving for the last year - I will have to do things for myself again....scary eh?

No, stop thinking about it. Just do it. I know I don't want to live exist like this.  I want my life back.  It may not have been the most exciting roller-coaster rides in the history of the universe, but I want to regain my crown for having the highest score on the Wii "Just Dance 2" for dancing to "Proud Mary" by Ike & Tina Turner.  I want to dance with my 9 year old daughter again.

Ok I'm ready. Let's do this.


  1. Thanks for the very kind note! Are you feeling better?

  2. Thanks - meant it too - your blog is a little gem. Had 8 injections (count 'em - EIGHT!!) and they hurt like hell. Early days - but seems to have been partially successful