AND RELAX.....

I tried using a relaxation CD for the first time today.  The Physios have really been promoting stress reduction as an essential tool in the fight against pain (what, you mean the cape & spandex tights are no good then?) and they like to hold  a quick "relaxation session" during each Back Class. Unfortunately, this involves me lying flat on a yoga mat, in a large, drafty gymnasium surrounded by fitness equipment, whilst a physio reads a pleasant little Utopian tale from a card to the sound of panpipes playing in the background.  Although we are given a couple of pillows to soften the blow, this is probably the most uncomfortable position ever for me (even before I hurt my back) and therefore my chances of achieving any kind of chill are slim at best.

Anyway, back to the CD - I thought: "I know what, I'll try this in the comfort of my own home, lying on a comfortable bed in a warm bedroom (panpipes optional). Now, I have to admit this CD has invoked: a) scepticism; b) concern that I am going to fall asleep and miss the school run and c) the worry that I will become unknowingly hypnotised and begin to act like a demented ballet dancer every time I hear an icecream van jingle.  However, in the end, I set 2 alarms just to be on the safe side to make sure I am awake in time for the school run and decide to take my chances with the icecream van.  Firstly, there were panpipes (is there a Relaxation CD on this whole wide planet that doesn't include them?) but there was also the sound of waves (a bonus) and the narrator's voice was very soothing and easy on the ears. Initially I didn't feel like anything was physically happening (to be fair I wasn't wearing the recommended stereo earphones mainly because I wanted to be sure to hear the alarms) but the amazing thing was a) I didn't go to sleep; b) since waking I have heard 'O Sole Mio and Greensleeves and haven't automatically gone into an attitude en pointe and c) I have noticed a definite positive reaction with regards my flexibility.  I was so surprised by this I even tried to do one of those side-step movements the Back Class are so fond of and actually got my foot to move an extra 10cms!   A fluke?  Not sure, but will definitely give it another go.  I may even buy earphones....

A BAD DAY AT LEMON ROCK

"Well, you are all doing so much better!" Thus spake the physio during Back Class on Tuesday.  Now, I know they have to chivvy us along with words of encouragement, but as I look down at my feet which are slowly creeping out to about 10 cms each side, I also know, that they know there is no way that what I am doing is a "star jump. No way at all.  "Hey, let's have a smile!  Don't you feel the improvement?" they bounce Tiggerlike, full of enthusiasm towards me.  "No Lady,  I feel like Tigger's great-grandmother in a death suit", I think to myself - but I just wanly smile and shake my head.  My back feels like it's in a steel tube, I cannot bend or do the knee rolls; so I just lie there like a broken doll while all enthuse around me. Nothing responds the way it should; I cannot shift my balance from one foot to the other; ab crunches? don't make me laugh; step ups? Three or 4 at the most and the tears are welling and burning as I try to hold them in.  And you know what? I do hold them in, right until I get back to the car and then those floodgates just burst open...

The next day I am wrecked and wasted.  I have taken the painkillers, had the bath, put the heat pad on and still it's crap.  But the thing that really hits me hard is how I don't feel like this is me any more - it's as if I'm a different person to who I was before last May.  I don't interact with my family like I used to, oh sure I make all the right noises and go through all the right motions, but I still feel like I am watching from inside the wrong body; this one's faulty and I don't know where to take it back and get a refund.  There doesn't seem to be a way forward or out of this and I worry what effect it will all have on my husband and my children in the long run.  I want to enjoy being part of my 9 year old's day - but at the moment it's not happening.  I am pretending and acting so that she doesn't know or see the truth..... because I want to protect her.

This morning I hobbled into the bathroom (I refuse to crawl so I creep round the walls, holding on to various bits of furniture).  I reached up to the cabinet for my painkillers and...........and then.....and then I dropped them.........I couldn't believe it......I just dropped them right there onto the floor.  For a moment I simply stood (well, more stooping actually) and looked at them lying on the blue carpet, then I tried to kick them to the side so I could sit on the edge of the bath to pick them up.  But I couldn't pick them up - the pain wouldn't allow me.  It was a face off - with me staring at the box of pills on the floor and them just lying there, mocking me because there was no way could I get them.  My sobbing brought my husband who silently bent down, picked them up and gave them to me.  A simple movement, and one I would previously have never given a second thought to was now a big deal. Improvement?   Depends on your definitions I suppose.

LEMON RATING: A fat old 7.5 out of 10 (on account of post exercise and a dropped box of pills)